Dear beloved readers,
What a joy to be back after taking some time off. It’s pretty amazing to think that we are already in 2017 and with the past of 2016 behind us I’m sure many of you are excited to launch new projects, diets, or career paths. I know we’ve all seen the meme’s of 2016 being the absolute worst and the over anticipation of 2017 being way more hopeful than the year before. This is something that I have also been feeling, I think I can trace it all the way back to June of last year. After the joy of being a newlywed I started to experience some pretty outrageous things. Both blessings and downright hurts. I can count the numerous times I wanted to just give up on ministries, job hunts, and to pack up and move anywhere else. There were even nights that my husband has tearfully expressed to me, that he saw me battling depression and where he would know I was crying myself to sleep. To tell you that I was just sad is an understatement. I was battling my identity, not just as someone who is called to serve God as a Pastor, but my confidence and identity as His Daughter. I felt lost and while time heals all wounds, by the time October rolled around I was going through the motions of life, but I was utterly void and numb. The real reason all this happen was because I was letting people’s opinions, thoughts, words of apprehension towards me, get the best of me. I let people, who I assumed knew me, hold my future in their hands. From the very beginning of this season I spent time in prayer, reading my Bible and worship and I was desperately seeking answers from God. I wanted to know His direction for my life and I even allowed myself to get back into the rhythm of serving at my church again. Yet something in my spirit was uncomfortable. The best I can describe it is, if you are on a first date and every movement, action, conversation feels awkward. That’s what I felt serving at my home church, being on staff and talking to the people who have known me for almost 10 years. In my prayer times alone, I knew that it was insecurity I was battling, because I let myself believe that I would never achieve my dream to …… (fill in the blank). I have a list of things I have dreamed of becoming, from writing and recording music, to leading internships, Pastoring young adults, Preaching, leading revivals, leading conferences, traveling and doing missions, writing a book. Yet because I have many dreams, it’s giving off the impression that I am …”unstable, lacking direction, all over the place, without calling?” But isn’t that what it means to dream?? I asked the Lord to show me what to do with all these passions, because I felt wrong for feeling passion to do them all. I felt wrong for not have clarity or because I wasn’t cookie cutter. All I wanted and still want is for Jesus. But I felt wrong for being a bit all over the place. I remember in October of 2016 God telling me to wait on Him.
Let me tell you…..I have allowed all those lies to dictate my emotions the last 6 months and when January came around I was desperate for answers. I was desperate for the Lord to reveal what I should be doing, and …….Nothing. Instead I got peace and direction to move on from my home church and START ALL OVER AGAIN, somewhere else. That’s not an easy task, and that isn’t easy to trust God to make room for your giftings.
A week ago I went to the movies with my husband and we went to see La La Land. If you haven’t seen it, please make time to do so. It is by far the best dance/ musical i’ve seen in years. It reminds me of the Old Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies of the 1950’s. Any way, there’s this incredibly powerful scene of Emma Stone singing, and before I could even understand why, I started crying, a kind of crying that you only do when you are alone and nobody can see you wailing and letting out those crocodile tears.
Watch it! and read the Lyrics Below
I started weeping, because I felt like the song was dedicated to people like me….built, created, meant to dream. I had allowed myself to be defined by people who did not understand the way God had created me to be…a Dreamer. I still don’t have One defined direction of what I should be doing in my life, but I know that God is faithful to open opportunities to fulfill those deep desires.
“A bit of madness is key, to give us new colors to see”
I love that quote in the song, I want to see the endless possibility “new colors” of how God can use me. I believe many of you might be reading this and are seeking for God to open those endless opportunities for you to be used, stretched, and fulfilled. I know that by me taking the step of faith of moving on to a new place to serve, I’ll be able to uncover all ways in which God can do something New in me. I would pray that God would open something New for you as well.
The remnant of the hurt still lingers, and the insecurity is something I still battle, but I have made peace with Who I am. I am someone who lives passionately, I am driven by vision to see what God is doing in his people now , and to partner in that vision in any way possible.
Here’s to you, Dreamer. The road ahead is paved with the infinite hope in Jesus, step out in Faith.